Suspicious Fines

I really miss Jake Trout and the Flounders. (For those of you too young to remember, Peter Jacobson and some friends used to record song parodies to raise money for charity. The Flounders essentially broke up when harmonica player Payne Stewart was killed back in 1999. Now all we have is the Golf Boys. Oh oh oh.) I want to coax them back into the recording studio. But how?

"Easy," I said to myself. "Jake's a recording star. All I need to do is offer him some new surefire Top40 hits and he'll be helpless to resist!"

Consequently I've started a new category here on the old blog called song parodies where I will occasionally add some new songs that Jake will be unable to resist. Here's my first effort, a romantic ballad about the Tour's refusal to admit that players have been fined. The song, like the debaters, seems unable to determine whether this is a good thing or not...

Suspicious Fines (with apologies to Elvis)

I plug in a trap
I can't hack out
And so I drop the F-bomb, baby
No one can see
What the Tour does to me
When they try to stop the words I say

But still my fans hear rumors
Of suspicious fines
No one can end these rumors
It's an awkward time

When trouble starts at home
And won't leave me alone
I tell the press my season's ended now
But things get worse -- I know
That every evening show
Will speculate that I'm suspended now

So all my fans hear rumors
Of suspicious fines
No one will end these rumors
It's an awkward time

If only the truth were known
And the talk not so overblown
Then perhaps I could atone
To my fans and let them know I really paid my dues, ooh, yeah

I just want to curse
Though it makes things worse
Exploding like a supernova
I can't ever tell --
That gets me fined as well
And starts this crazy farce all over

(Don't you know I'm) plugged in a trap
I can't hack out
So here's another F-bomb, baby
(repeat to fade)

I wonder if I'll get a Grammy for this one? Call me, Jake!