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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Skunk Spray Makes You Run Faster

Since Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens was accused of having ordered deer antler spray and Vijay Singh admits to actually using it, I've been compiling my own list of performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs) that professional sports organizations should start testing for.

Please understand that I have no idea what banned substances these "drugs" might contain. All I know is that they clearly enhance physical performance in various ways.
  • Skunk spray: Even animals that get sprayed with this stuff run faster than normal. One nice thing about skunk spray is that it would be pretty easy to test for: Just sniff the athlete.
  • Habanero chile peppers: It's impossible to sleep for quite a while after ingesting one or more of these little babies. Isn't that the very definition of a stimulant?
  • Buckthorn, senna extract, aloe vera, castor oil, etc: All of these are laxatives. In fact, all laxatives should be banned. Anything that forces you to run, whether you want to or not, should be considered performance-enhancing. (I had to take milk of magnesia often when I was little, so I speak from experience.)
  • Altoids: Anything that can make the hairs inside your nose stand on end has to be one heck of a stimulant.
  • Farts (from any source): According to SPIKE TV's show Manswers, it's possible to freeze farts, thereby concentrating them. (Does anybody find it strange that the name of the biochemist they spoke to is Michael Myers? Or that the freezing expert's name was Wiener?) Farts are a sort of reverse-PED, as they enhance the farter's performance by decreasing the performance of nearby competitors. Doesn't that give the farter an unfair advantage?
  • Oysters: Just ask James Bond. He says they increase performance and he should know.
I suspect there are many other unregulated PEDs used legally by athletes. These are just some I'm familiar with.

As for that deer antler spray, that just sounds gross to me. Besides, I thought most guys were horny enough to begin with...

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